Chocolate Nicotine
by Carlazard
Summary: Matt and Mello are friends, they always have been. But Mello's behaviour has grown much more strange and out of control than usual and is beginning to leave Matt in a very bad place and more than anyone, L will not let that happen. Rated M. It might not be so bad but I don't know. My first fanfic so let me know what you think. (Mainly a MxM fanfic)
1. Chapter 1

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Mello slammed the door shut as he stormed out of room 12m. There weren't actually 12 rooms in in the house and there certainly wasn't space for any lettered rooms, but Matt and Mello had named their room that after the day that Mello had arrived at Wammy's house. 12 was the number of chocolate bars that Matt could eat that night before he threw them all back up.

That always did make Mello chuckle. But that was about 6 years ago.

"Mello! You're a tot-" He paused as he heard, or rather didn't hear, the loud sound of Mello's combat boots making contact with the ground. He tried to breathe as quietly as humanly possible in fear that Mello might return.

Matt was both scared and sat, frozen, still on his bed for about 26, 27, 28 seconds until he heard the sound of Mello's heels once again on the ground.

Clunk, clonk, clunk, clonk.

He fell down on his bed with a sigh of relief once he hear the sound of Mello's metal-plated boots becoming quieter and quieter. And the scars on his back know better than anyone that those boots are most certainly metal plated.

But the worst pain Matt had ever felt was the way that Mello could never look at him as he shouted all those obscene things.

His words pierced through Matt's heart like a dart being thrown full power in to a dart board. His words hurt more than the incessant physical damage that Mello had ever caused him and when he said all those words, he couldn't even look him in the eye. 'Why?' Thought Matt. 'What have I done to deserve this?' he questioned himself.

All he could was do go over what had happened that night. Matt hadn't thought he'd been much bother to Mello and since Mello hadn't been out at all today, he wasn't sure what made Mello so angry all of a sudden.

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**Matt's thoughts:**  
**I was just sat there playing on my PSP. I wasn't really caring much for what was happening in the world around me… perhaps that had annoyed Mello? But Mello hadn't tried to speak to me today… not much. When he did I totally acknowledged him. I always had. But what did I do? What did I do that was so bad for him to say that?**

When Mello had finally got up at 3pm in the afternoon, Matt knew there was something wrong with Mello but for once he was completely unable to analyse exactly what it was that was bothering him.

**I couldn't even figure out why he was acting so strangely… No matter how many times I go over everything in my head, Mello was being odd and that was the only conclusion I could reach.  
**  
Mello took a shower, came out very shortly, got dressed and lead on his bed. He went over to his draw and pulled out a chocolate bar and sat on his bed. He just sat there staring at Matt.

**The strange thing was, he had a chocolate bar in hand and he wasn't eating it…**

Matt could feel the intensity of Mello's stare on him and decided to pause his game.

**After all, I didn't want to make him angry.**

**And out of nowhere he began shouting at me.**

"You complete and utter ~" Roaring with anger " You're a good for nothing waste of space, Matt" turning the other way he began yelling " You just sit there all day long playing computer games not giving a crap about all the people you're ruining" On and on the insults flew from Mello, it lasted a good hour before he threw his chocolate

**still uneaten, which was a big deal**

on the floor, throwing the nearest thing he could find at Matt. "At least bloody say something you insolent p~" Storming across the room he grabbed Matt's PSP from his hands, which had been paused for some time now, and used it to smash him around the head. He chucked it on the floor and grabbed Matt by his, what he described as 'annoyingly stripy', t-shirt and pulled him up from the bed.

**Again? That's all I could think and he continued to throw punches, kicks, the occasional item in our bedroom would come flying at me. But still, I didn't understand what had started this.**

"You know what Matt, you're nothing" He said walking away from Matt on the floor covered head to toe in his blood. And Mello walked over to the door opening it slowly and uttering a faint 3 words, three words that he didn't even think would have such an effect on his dear friend. "I hate you." and with that, he was gone.

* * *

"WHAT?!" Matt roared angrily, punching the wall beside him as hard as he could. As his strong, yet almost delicate, knuckles made a connection with the wall, he cried out. "Why?" He cried, resting his head against the sickly, crimson coloured wall.

'Crimson: the colour of love', he thought, 'that's what Mello told me'. But the longer Matt sat staring at the crimson red wall through his half empty tear-filled eyes, the more he was filled with the same anger once again. An anger that should have been aimed towards Mello which Matt always ended up directing towards himself.

He could never treat Mello so badly.

As he sat there, all he could think about was the earlier scene that had caused him his current heartache. All he could think about was Mello. What Mello did. What Mello said. Mello, Mello, Mello. The way his hair sat beautifully just above his shoulder, curved perfectly around his cheeks. His cheeks that are almost as soft as the blonde locks that rested upon them. Mello looked so wonderful, graceful even. Even when he made Matt feel so worthless about himself, he just looked at him in awe. He had always admired Mello from the moment he met him. He had a certain way about him that made Matt feel happy in his presence. Matt could never understand exactly what it was that made him drawn to him so much, but he was. He believed Mello to be the greatest man alive. Even as children he admired him. They always fought and although Mello never won, Matt loved the way he always persevered. He never gave up. But as they grew older, his resilience became a problem. He would get in to fights all the time and he always got hurt badly. It got to a point where Matt started to let him win because he couldn't deal with Mello being so unhappy. He didn't mind damaging his own pride to see the proud smile on Mello's face the first time he beat him. But it turned to a different kind of beating as they got older, almost uncontrollable on Mello's part and although Matt was still perfectly physically capable of stopping Mello, he was never able to let himself hurt this man. He couldn't help but let him treat him like he did. Matt loved the attention, he was happy that Mello seemed better afterwards. But recently Mello had started saying hurtful things. Things that insinuated that he wasn't just having fun or relieving himself anymore. Things that made Matt think he wanted to hurt him. But still, he couldn't help but think of Mello so positively. No matter what Mello did, Matt continued to feel like Mello was still a kind person. To Matt, Mello was perfect.

He thought more and more about the way Mello treated him. The names he called him, the looks he shot him when he even so much as breathed wrongly; the feel of Mello's fists smashing in to him and his heels making contact with his skin. His face, his back, his stomach. The way Mello always lashed out him when something bad happened. It was something he couldn't get out of his mind but Matt never minded that he was being hurt like that, if anything it brought him contentment. He knew that by being Mello's punch bag, he was still something to him. He wasn't bothered by what it was… he just liked that fact that he still existed to Mello.

And once again Matt felt alone. He began searching, barely being able to see with the pain causing tears to leak from his eyes. Matt searched for the only things that he experienced happiness from on nights like this one: his packet of usual cigarettes and a half broken, blood-stained razor blade.


	2. Chapter 2

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Not being able to sleep once again, Matt picks himself up out of his bed at about 3 o' clock in the morning. Not really knowing what to do with himself, he wanders out of the boys bedroom and down the hall. He takes himself to the bathroom and looks head on in the mirror. That was not really something Matt wanted to look at for it made, firstly the scars that Mello had caused him and, his obsessive habit of self-loathing all the more real. He stands there for a while before limply lifting his hand up to the left of his forehead and very cautiously he brings his fingertips all the way to touch the cut on the side of his head. He let out a gasp of pain. For something he loved so dearly, both Mello and his PSP could do a lot of damage. Matt stood there in front of the sink and washed the blood off of his face little by little, being careful not to make the cut sting any more than it already did. Of course, after years of practice at this, you get used to it.

When Matt leaves the bathroom to head back to his room, he lingers outside of L's bedroom for a moment. Head against the door and right hand fingering the flowery golden pattern of the door handle, Matt decides that it's best not to say anything to L. As much as he wants to because he wants someone to know his feelings and he knows for certain that L could sort this out, but he mainly wants to tell him because Matt knows that L already knows and Matt wanted to know precisely what it is that L does know. Nevertheless, he pulls his hand away from the handle and heads back to his own room. He knows that if he ever told anyone about this then he would no longer receive the attention that he so awfully desired.

Looking up at Mello and back to the bloody state of his arm, he lets out a heavy sigh and picks up his long-sleeved, black and red stripy shirt. He slips it on and pulls both sleeves all the way down carefully past his wrists, all the while feeling more concerned about how angry Mello had been the night before than the state he was currently in, and had been for a very long time.

**But Mello really does look beautiful when he's asleep.** Matt felt so angry with himself for thinking that but he just couldn't help himself. He really did look beautiful. The way he always lead on his side, arms wrapped around his bunched up toy story blanket.** As much as he hates to admit it, he's as childish as I am.** Matt laughed under his breath.** Nothing is as sweet as Mello.** Matt thought.** Nothing is as sweet as Mello laying there so peacefully: Curled up in his bed, head peacefully resting on Woody's cowboy hat.** Matt giggled to himself. It really was such a sweet sight. **His blonde locks softly laid against his peach coloured cheeks, faded pink lips slightly parted as he takes slow, heavy breaths in and out. I could just kiss him when he's like this.**

And it's true, Mello does look kissable when he's asleep. When he's lead there, almost unconscious, he looks so innocent; so vulnerable like a baby deer. Like when a fawn first learns how to walk: the way their delicate little legs look almost too weak to carry their whole body. That exact image is exactly the sort of body Mello has and although he doesn't quite have the personality to match, that's exactly how he is in the eyes of Matt. Like each time he hits the young boy,** it's just a mistake the young deer has made and he'll learn to become a much more wonderful deer when he grows up.**

When asleep, Mello resembles an angel. He's beautiful, harmless, he gives off an aura that fills Matt's usually saddened heart with a pure happiness that he just doesn't feel from looking at anyone else.

Standing in the centre of their room, Matt suddenly becomes aware of himself watching Mello. Before his friend notices him standing there, he hurries back over to his bed. The last thing Matt wants is for Mello to see him staring. Technically, that's not true. The last thing that Matt wants is for Mello to know his true feelings.

**Or so… I think.** Matt sits there on the edge of his bed, feet shoulder width apart flat on the ground and his arms resting on his thighs mimicking their position, twiddling his thumbs around and around.** I mean, I wouldn't mind him knowing if he felt the same.** He lifts his arm furiously in to the air, pushing his long, grazed fingers through the strands of his unclean auburn hair and clenching his fist tight, letting his elbows crash to just above his kneecaps as tears begin streaming down the broken boys already red cheeks.

"Just snap out of it Matt. He is too good for you. For goodness sake, don't you know when you're punching above your own weight?" Matt quietly lets out through the grinding of his teeth.

"He doesn't love you and can you bloody blame him?"


	3. Chapter 3

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"You know, Matt, it's rude to make so much noise when other people are trying to sleep."

**Uh-oh**. Matt freezes still hoping that what he had just heard was just a hallucination perhaps caused from the blood loss or something. He thought** if I just sit here still, maybe he'll go back to sleep.**But Matt knew well enough that it was not a hallucination and that he had in fact woken his dear friend. He also knew that this was not a good position to be in and that freezing up would solve nothing.

For the next few moments Matt just sits there on the edge of his bed in his previously held position, eyes shut tight thinking of as many happy things as he could because he knows that what is about to come is going to hurt a lot.

"You know, Matt" repeats Mello, rubbing his eyelids with his left arm and lifting himself upright in his bed. "Its also rude to ignore people when they're talking to you."

Matt didn't usually ignore Mello but right now, as much as he tried to speak, he couldn't utter a word. Not only was Matt in a lot of physical pain from the earlier scene that had caused him new cuts on top of old bruises, but he felt an aching in his heart that made him all to afraid to talk to Mello. A fear not caused by what he knew Mello could do to him, but by the fear that he might just cry and tell his friend how he really feels.

"What's the matter, Matty?" Questions Mello pulling on a pair of black leather trousers and lacing them closed at the top as he walks across the room towards his friend. "Cat got your tongue?" He whispers, bending over in front of his friend and running the tip of his tongue ever so slowly up his ear. Matt gulps.

Mello grins menacingly as he grabs the boys jaw firm in his hand. "Oh, and what's this then?" He says, as he inspects his friends face. "Puffy red eyes, 'ey?" He asks, moving his face much closer to Matt's. "Now, who could have made a tough guy like you cry this much?" He laughs.

"What's so funny?" Matt asks taking a deep breath, doing his best to hold in the surfacing tears and trying to avoid eye contact.

Still holding on to his jaw, Mello pulls his friend even closer and looks him in the eye. "You." He says through his teeth, pushing the boy's face away from his with force.

Matt scrunches his face up, eyes closed tight and teeth locked together as he takes a big gulp.

Laughing once more, the blonde beauty turns away from his friend. "Psch, you're not even worth it anymore."  
Not knowing what to say, Matt doesn't reply. He just stares blankly forwards, eyes unfocused on his friends bed across the room. This makes Mello feel a little uneasy and in fact, a little guilty. He climbs on the bed behind Matt and sitting on his knees behind the auburn-haired boy, hesitating for a moment, Mello's arm rises in to the air and hovers above the boys head for a few seconds. Then, he stretches out his long, pale fingers and still hesitant, he gently runs them through his best friends hair. Confused by what Mello is doing, Matt sits there silently wondering if he should say anything about the current events.

Just as Matt is about to ask Mello exactly what it is that his friend is doing, Mello lets out a sigh and does something that puts Matt's thoughts off track. Though it's a gesture that might not seem much to some people, to Matt it was not only a very curious gesture but one that made him think that maybe his friend does care about him after all. Resting his head on Matt's left shoulder blade, he very softly runs his hand down Matt's arm and taking a deep breath, he sheepishly slips his hands around Matt's waist and holds on tight, grasping hold of the fabric on Matt's shirt. So tight that Matt could feel the boy's muscles tensing around him and the beat of his heart against his back. And although Mello seemed very much in control of the situation, since he always did, right now Matt could sense some form of vulnerability from his friend that he hadn't seen in him for years.

They sat there like that for a few moments before Matt lifted his hand and placed it over his friends. Matt finally felt like things were going to be okay with his dear friend. But just then, he felt Mello's breathing quickly growing deeper and in no time he pulled himself away, quickly grabbing at the red strands on his friends head and using them as an aid to pull him back. Tilting Matt's head up so that his friend was staring up at him, sadness in his eyes, Mello spits in the boys face and pushes him face down in the bed and storms out, grabbing his coat from the back of the door and slamming it behind him.

Still lying there face down in his mattress wondering what the hell just happened, Matt hears a smash from the hallway and his roomates voice echoing through the house. "I said you're not bloody worth it anymore."


	4. Chapter 4

Matt didn't sleep for the rest of the night. He laid there for hours, face in his pillow and Mello's words ringing through his ears: "You're not bloody worth it any more." He spent about four hours fidgeting around in his bed; tossing and turning, even more restless in his head than he was physically.

"You're not bloody worth it anymore."

**What does that even mean?**

After a few hours of lying there wondering what exactly it was that happened that night, Matt decided to get up. It was now 8 o' clock in the morning, not that Matt knew that, but he still didn't feel ready to face everyone yet. Then again, he knew that if he didn't get out of his room soon, people would question that something might be wrong with him and start pestering him about his "problems". Something Matt did not want was for other people to start poking their noses in to his and Mello's lives.

Though, that said, Matt did feel like poking his nose in to Mello's life… **just a little bit.**

It occurred to Matt that Mello hadn't actually come back after he stormed out last night. **Where could he be?**

Knowing that Mello wasn't yet back he pulled himself out of bed; a head full of messy red hair and dark lines under his eyes deeper than the sadness still simmering in his blurry green eyes, and made his way across the room. He took advantage of knowing Mello wasn't here and began looking through his drawers. **Hm, it must be around here somewhere.** _What?_ **I'm sure it should be in one of his drawers. He probably didn't hide it well.** _Hide what? _

As much as Matt searched through Mello's belongings in his drawers, he couldn't find what he was looking for. He frantically pulled bits out, launching them across the room. Crouching down, looking under Mello's bed. Rummaging through all the useless stuff Mello crammed in to the bottom of his wardrobe. Matt did this about four times before finally sitting himself down on Mello's bed admitting defeat. Matt couldn't find what he was looking for. Though, the problem with that may lie in the fact that Matt didn't really know what it was that he was looking for exactly.

Truthfully, he just woke up feeling uneasy: convinced that Mello must be hiding something from him. **That drastic change in mood… something bad must have happened that he's not telling me about. Surely?**

**Think Matt, think. **

**…**

**Okay, so the last few weeks… he's been… different. Unhappy? Much less happy than usual… perhaps me… did I cause it? …do I make him feel unhappy? He's not smiled at me in a while. But he was kind last night… I woke him up… and he didn't hit me… he hits me… always hits me. Why did he not? …maybe he likes- no, course not. **

Matt sat on his friends bed running ideas through his head, thinking about every little thing that Mello had done in the last few days.

**Apple… he had… chocolate… chocolate! he's not been eating as much. Hm…**

**Time, he… he forgot which hand was which on Monday. Hands… He has such soft beautiful hands.**

**Yesterday he smashed my head with my psp… blood, there was a lot… the pain…**

**Earlier he… he was so kind… the way he held me from behind. It was so soft. It felt gentle; intimate, even. **

**No.**He shakes his head.

**Oh no, no, no, no, no. Matt, what in Lavender town are you thinking? You're a moron. You're pathetic. No Matt, no.**

With that thought, Matt climbed off of Mello's bed not really paying attention to what he was doing and wandered out of their bedroom. He walked down the hall mumbling to himself, "No, no… maybe he mi- no, Matt, no, no, no…" making his way down the stairs and in to the kitchen. Matt, not really paying attention to anything besides the conflict he was having with himself, walked straight in to an already unstable L, knocking the tray out of his hand knocking coffee all down his front and sending the surprised, wide-eyed boy down on to his bottom.

The coffee was boiling hot, causing L to crumple his face as the cup rebounded off of Matt and landing on the boy's leg. Matt just stood there, thought's of Mello still, wondering why he was stood in the kitchen in the first place not even noticing the coffee down his front, used to the burning sensation from when Mello had purposely thrown hot mugs of drink at him before.

Rising from the floor and regaining his usual hunched up posture, L stood quizzically in front of the pale, red haired boy who happened to have no shirt on for a reason unknown to both of the boys.

After a moment, L noticed that Matt hadn't slept. He also noticed that Matt hadn't noticed him in front of him there, even when he's knocked him down and he'd spilt his coffee down his bare chest.

"Matt-kun?" L said, looking up at the scars on the side of Matt's head. Now, you may be wondering why L was stood there examining the scars on Matt's face when there were quite obvious cuts on the young boys arm. But the fact is, L already knew Matt did that. He knew why Matt had started doing it and he knew why hadn't stopped.

As L said Matt's name he looked at the raven haired man, eye's still tired barely opened as he tried to hold his gaze. "Matt-kun, will you please tell L why you have blood dripping down your face?"

**Blood?** Matt thought, eyes widening as he then thought: **Mello.**

Knowing exactly what was going on, L decided that perhaps the best thing to do would be to take Mello away from all of the other people at Wammy's staring at the young broken looking boy in the kitchen.

Grabbing Matt's finger with a finger and thumb, L leads the way, taking the boy upstairs, grabbing the first aid kit from the bathroom cabinet and taking Matt to his room across the hall and one down from room 12m.

As they enter the room, L turns on the light and Matt lets out a little whiny squeak closing his eyes and covering them with his rather muscled arm covered in different sized marks, fading from red open wounds to that faded brown mark of pain that never disappears.

When he pulls his arm away, eyes adjusting the light of L's room, he questions L as to what it is he actually wants to know.

"Matt-kun, I would very much prefer it if you didn't play dumb with me."

Knowing exactly what L is talking about his looks o the ground frowning letting out a sigh, but still saying nothing more. Matt knows that L must know, or else L would never ask him to tell him. But he doesn't like the fact that L knows, or that anyone knows for that matter because now he's feeling like Mello might be taken away from him. **They'll stop Mello from touching me.**Matt thought with a more saddened tone of voice than you would imagine.

"Please sit" Demanded L, pointing towards the edge of his bed.

Knowing as well as everyone that you do not argue with L's orders, Matt plonks himself on the on L's bed, legs closed together tight, palms sat one against the other between his thighs, face towards the ground.

Climbing on the bed next to Matt in his usual frog-like fashion, he opened the first aid kit and began tending to the wound on Matt's face. Matt trying ever so hard not to flinch away and whimper every time the black haired boy made contact with the cut. He cleaned up the wound, bandaged it up and stood back up from the bed.

He walked over to a spot in front of Matt, about a meter away from the boy and arched over in his usual way, only a little further bent over than usual, looking up at Matt's beautifully green eyes.

After a moment, Matt opens his mouth to tell L all about his feelings for Mello. "L, I-"  
"No." Says L firmly, lifting his arm in the air and pushing his finger against Matt's mouth with a great deal of force in comparison to L's usual actions. "Don't."

This startles Matt a bit and he wonders why he wouldn't let him tell him when he wanted to him to talk to him about it. **Why tell me to tell you and then not let me do so…**But Matt's thoughts are taken off track when L walks towards him, bending over again, only closer than he was before. He firmly places one arm around Matt's back and the other under his knees, grasping hold of him tight and lifting him in to the air. But Matt, being in the state of mind he was currently in, didn't notice that he had done this until after he had placed him down at the other end of his bed and was pulling the cover over Matt's beaten up body and tucking him in. Since it had taken him so long to realise what L was doing, the raven haired boy began talking before Matt had a chance to react.

"Matt-kun. I know you like Mello."

What? Matt feels himself freaking out inside even though he already knows L knows, nobody had ever said that out loud before.

"I-I also know that he did this to you and I had wanted you to tell me first, but I d-didn't want to hear you say it."

**Did L just stutter?**

"Matt…" L began saying as he walked towards the bed, after just walking away and turning back again. But he stopped both and stood their raising his thumb to his bottom lip looking off in to the distance as if in thought again.

"Hm. M-matt… -kun. I am not ha-happy about it."

"L…" **He is stuttering. This isn't like L.**

"Sh!" Snapped a concerned L. "I want you to rest Matt." Said L in a softer tone then he had been speaking in before. L continued on his bath towards the bed climbing on to the bed and placing himself next to the slightly curled, auburn locks resting on his pillow.

Not being able to argue with that considering how little sleep he had the night before. He closed his eyes and began to drift off pretty quickly.

Still sat there next to Matt on his bed, L brushed the hair from Matt's forehead with the tip of his finger. "I won't let him hurt you again." He whispered, wide eyed and distant from the world. But a different look filled his eyes just before he closed them tight, leaning down and kissing the boy gently on the forehead.


	5. Chapter 5

"Matt!"

"Oi, you ginger idiot."

"Where the hell are you?"

Matt woke up the next morning to the sound of Mello's voice reverberating through the house. He instantly flinched under the covers holding himself still fearing the moment that Mello got back to their bedroom. He could tell Mello had been drinking by the slurred words coming from his mouth and a drunk Mello was even worse than a sober Mello.

"Matt, where the hell are you? Why aren't you in our room?" The angry blonde whined.

**What? **Matt questioned, slowly then remembering the day before. He had gotten himself in to an awful state and somehow fallen asleep in L's bed.

Before he had a chance to question where L had wondered off to, he heard voices leaking in from the other side of the door. "Oi, Lawlipoppp, where s my dear Mattie-kins hiding?"

"Mello-kun. It is almost time for tea and I do not wish for you to participate in the current state you are in. I suggest you go and take a bath before joining us if it's necessary that you do so at all." replied L in his usual emotionless manner, turning away from the drunken blonde and swinging his door open smacking an eavsdropping Matt straight in the face.

"Oh, Matt-kun, what are you doing on the floor?" asks a confused L. Yes, confused L.

"Oh, I- I uh.. I" Matt stammered "I lost an... earring."

"An earring?" L chuckled. "Does Matt-kun want L to help him look for his _earring_?"

Realising how silly he sounded, Matt couldn't help but laugh.

"Ah, a smile!" L smiled ever so slighty himself "It's nice to see that on you again." Though L meant this kindly, since it really is nice to see Matt smiling after so long of not seeing him smile. It caused a slight tension between the two in the room.

Silence.

"I guess Matt-kuns earring isn't down there." Silence again. "I just came to tell you that tea has been prepared. I thought it would be nice if you joined us." He paused. "Since you missed breakfast" and he left.

**What was that all about? Damn L. That kid is always messing with my head. **

Downstairs everyone was at the table. Everyone that is except Mello. The one person Matt really wanted to see wasn't there. There was A and B sat together at the far end of the table, B eating a jar of jam as always and A doing his best to stop him from making a mess everyone. Then there was Near sat a few seats down, he was playing with his dolls as usual. He had them all sat at the table in occordance with where everyone was sat and it appears as though he has them eating tiny meals like everyone else.

**His Mello doll isn't out... **

Then there's Matt's seat sat there empty as he stands at the door and L is sat where Mello usually sits next to him. **How strange, L isn't often one for change without good reason... No, if he sits there, someone might realise there's something going on.**

**With me and Mello I mean. What else could I mean?**

**Okay Matt, calm down. Just go and sit down and no one will suspect a thing. The longer you stand here freaking out, the more likely they are to notice. Okay. Go legs. Walk. Walk to the table. Gosh. Where am I supposed to sit? If I sit where I usually sit people will definately notice that I'm not with Mello. Okay. Let's just sit in L's seat. Yeah, that's fine. Okay, calm down and go sit down.**

**Crap. They're staring at me. Act natural. Why are they staring?**

"Oh, you are here then Matt?"

**Wait. **"M-mello?" Matt felt his heartbeat grow increasingly stronger. He forgot that Mello had come home.

"You movin' outta my way or what?"

"Y-yeah, sorry... Mello." Stammered Matt. L scoffed, stuffing a spoon full of chocolate ice-cream, smarties and m&m's in to his mouth staring at the redhead who still hadn't moved out of Mello's way, despite saying that he would.

"Matt, move for goodness sake." Demands Mello pushing the timid boy out of his way.

"S-sorry, I was just-"

"L, what the bloody hell you sitting in my seat for?" Silence. "L?!"

"I thought I told you to sober up before you joined us?" L questioned, continuing to shovel all sorts of cakes and sweets in to his mouth, avoiding looking at Mello.

"I did bloody sober up you complete moron. Just who do you think you are talkin' t' me like that? Just 'cause you get the highest scores on tests don't mean you're better than me."

"They technically do prove it. But you believe what you wish. You usually do anyway.'

"and what the hell do you mean by that?"

"I-I think he just means, M-mello that we're all clever in d-different ways so a-as long as you keep thinking the the way you wish... to think... I-it doesn't matter." Matt interuppted, shooting a death glare at L. "Right?"

L says nothing.

"Come on Mello, just sit in L's seat. I-I'll sit next to you" L looks up and shakes his head.

"So, Mello. How are you? I didn't see you last night..." asked Matt putting on his happy table voice. This was something they always did whenever they came downstairs to eat. It was like two different worlds.

Upstairs was like hell. A comfortable hell, but a neverending sufferening nonetheless. Downstairs they sat together, they talked together like they used to. They talked like they were happy, making small talk about things they liked and things they didn't really care about. Nobody could tell how much Matt was suffering. Nobody but Matt himself and L. In fact the sight was starting to make L more furious than he'd ever been. Watching them acting like nothing was wrong when Mello treats Matt the way he does made L want to snap. But he couldn't because as much as he wanted to, he knew well enough that it would make Matt even more unhappy than he already is.

"Yeah, I had a good time last night but I'm not going out again." said Mello. "We can hang out tonight if you like?"

L was really getting quite angry, so much so that his feelings were starting to show on his face and in his shaky posture.

"Yeah. That would be nice." Matt smiled.

"Oh my, would you guys get it on already." B teased making A giggle.

"As if." Mello scowled, a sadness creeping it's way in to Matt's eyes, luckily hidden by his orange tinted goggles.

**SMASH.**

"Matt-kun, you are staying in my room again tonight." stated L rising from his seat.

"A-and as for Beyond's point, Mello-kun could only consider himself lucky, if that was the case." spat L walking out of the room leaving his split drink and smashed teacup on the floor.

**A/N~ Let me know what you think of my story. I'll try to update a little more often than I have been. **

**Also, I'm writing a Death Note and Alice's Adventure in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass crossover. Maybe check it out? It's called Amane's Adventures in Wonderland. And thank you for the reviews, reading this, follows and favourites. ^-^'**


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday morning Matt is in the kitchen making pancakes for breakfast for him and L. It's been a few days since he's last seen Mello and this makes Matt very upset, but he's been spending so much of his time with his friend L that he hasn't even thought about it too much.

Matt hasn't exactly done much different over the last few days but staying with L has made a lot of difference. In fact Matt has been happier in the last few days than he has been in a long time and that must be because it's nice to have a break from being beaten up and spending hours wondering when Mello is going to get home.

"Those pancakes for me?"

**Crap, there goes that good mood.**

"M-mello?" Matt said turning to face the blonde looking up at him, offering a half nervous smile.

"Well?"

"Hm?"

"The pancakes. They're for me, right?"

"Oh, well… um, actually. They um, they're for L so… um, no."

"Pardon?" Asked Mello, becoming quickly irritated with the little red-headed boy in front of him.

"Uh… um, if- if you want to ju- just sit down. I- I can make you some."

Mello stared raising his eyebrows at Matt and folding his arms.

"Wi- with chocolate."

"Aw, thanks Matty." Said Mello, a big menacing smile stretching across his face as his ruffled his friends hair and went to sit down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

**Jesus Matt will you calm down. You know Mello can tell when you're nervous. He hates when you get nervous like this. Damn it Matt, if you don't calm down he will probably hit you. Oh, but I have missed that. No you haven't, what are you on about? Oh, who am I trying to kid? I miss his touch. He's not even saying anything to me right now. Maybe if I provoke him he might…**

"Here's your pancakes Mello" Smiles Matt as he walks over to Mello handing him a plate full of pancakes. "Um, sorry I've not been around much."

"Yeah, why exactly haven't you been around?" Questions an irritated Mello.

"Oh, you know…" Matt walks back over to the cooker, leaning against it and titling his head to the side.

"No, actually Matt, I don't know." Mello barks.

"L's just been keeping me… busy, shall we say." Shrugs Matt, smiling teasingly and turning around to mix more batter.

**Holy crap Matt, what on earth are you doing. Provoke him, yeah… but you know how he feels about gay people Matt. Why would you even suggest something like that? Calm down. He might not even take it that way.**

"What do you mean busy?"

**See.**

"You know… busy." Matt turns his head towards the blonde and winks.

**You dumb idiot, Matt. Nice move. Now he'll get it.**

"Oh…" Mello says, moving bits of cut up pancake around his plate with a fork. "You mean… like you guys" He coughs "like you guys have been busy… together… like together together."

**Wait. What?**

"Yeah." Think Matt, think. "He's not always as sweet as you would think considering how much sugar he eats. If you know what I mean" Matt chuckles.

"Yeah."

Silence.

**I've missed you, Mello.** "Yeah, L's great." Says Matt putting on a cheerful voice sticking his tongue out at the blonde. At this Mello rises from his seat and stands there staring at the ground, body moving up and down as he takes big, heavy breaths.

"Um, Mello… are you okay?"

"Don't act like you care, Matt." He says through the grit of his teeth. Suddenly jerking his head up, he smiles his usual menacing grin. "Ha, Matty. Matty, Matty, Matty. Tryin' t' make me jealous or somethin'? Hm, were you expectin' me to be upset that you've been 'busy' with your little friend? Pfff, get a grip." He frowns. "As if." He spits, clasping his rosary tight in his right hand.

"M-mello…"

"You know, I don't know why I even bother with you sometimes." Mello scowls, pushing himself away from the far side of the breakfast counter and walking around the other side closer to Matt. "You're so bloody selfish, you know that?|" He says clutching at the crucifix in his hand tighter and holding it to his chest. "You're selfish and sick. The way you stand there smiling about your sins. Do you think that makes you a good person, Matt? Trying to make another man jealous by talking about your sinful acts with another man. You disgust me."

"I-"

"You're sick." Mello spits, now standing no more than a few inches from the red head, he pulls the boys goggles down from his eyes. Leaning forward and staring straight in to his eyes with a look of icy blue disgust, he recites: "If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death;" He leans even closer, nose touching Matt's and through his teeth he adds: "their blood will be on their own heads."

Matt gulps, he can feel his palms starting to sweat. I think I may have pushed him too far this time. They stand there for what seems like ages before Matt retorts " YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A HYPOCRITE."

Mello closes his eyes and bites his lip. "You what?"

Matt stays silent.

"You calling me queer or something, is that it?"

"You talk about your faith being so important." Matt snaps back. "I'm no fan of religion but I'm pretty sure it has a problem with you going around beating people up just to make yourself feel better."

"Is that so?" Mello laughs. "Is that bloody so?" His laugh grows more menacing. Then silence. "You idiot!" He screams punching the younger boy straight in stomach and sending him into the wall.

"Ah, Mel-" Matt let's out a cry when all of a sudden out of nowhere he feels a warmth against his lips. Opening is eyes, he sees a flustered looking Mello right in front of him. His hips touching his, his hands; one firmly clasped around the one side of his face, fingers resting in his hair, the other resting on the counter, clasped tight around his crucifix that he ripped of his neck, shaking.

Matt closes his eyes, resting his hand on the leather of Mello's top at his waist and kisses Mello back. Matt couldn't be happier right now. This was something he had been wanting for years but something he'd certainly never expected to happen.

Mello pulls back from the kiss and stares at the blushing boy in front of him. Breathing heavily and shaking his head. "No. Bloody no." He takes steps back from Matt. "Stupid Mihael. No, no, no. I swore I wouldn't give in. For flip's sake." He curses, grabbing the hand of the frying pan out of nowhere and swinging it around making contact with Matt's arm.

"Ow, Mello what the hell?"

"Shut up. You idiot." He shouts, smacking him repeatedly with the hot pan. "You stupid, stupid idiot." He yells, throwing the pan to the floor followed by his rosary.

"M-mells?"

"Don't Mells me, you're an idiot! You've ruined everything. Why do you always have to ruin everything, Matt?" He screams, stomping his feet on the ground and digging his fingernails in to his head as he grasps at it in frustration. "Mum's going to kill me. I promised I wouldn't give in."

"Mello, why do you always do this to me?" Matt asks finally feeling like he's been pushed over the edge. "Why do you hate me so much?" He questions raising his voice, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Shaking, Mello looks up from where he's stood and stares straight at the read head crying on the other side of the room. "Hate you? HATE YOU? Are you stupid or something?!" Mello shouts. "For goodness sake Matt, I don't hate you… In fact, it's not even fair! It's possible that I might actually l-"

"Keehl" L speaks loudly through his teeth, possibly in the angriest tone of voice you might ever hear coming from the dark haired man.

Both Matt and Mello look up at a the boy standing in the doorway, wide eyed and wondering** just how long has he been stood there for?**

"It appears as though you two have been fighting. Is that the case?" Matt and Mello both nod. "Matt-kun, could you please go upstairs? I would like to see if Mello is okay, I will come and tend to your injuries as soon as I am done. Thank you."

As soon as Matt leaves Mello straightens himself up. "You don't need to worry L, I'm alright."

L laughs under his breath. "An eye for an eye, Mello-kun." and with that, L swings his arm in Mello's direction making contact with his face causing Mello's mouth to bleed.  
"Aw, L what the he-" and before he has a chance to say anything, the small black haired man kicks him straight in the stomach making Mello double over in pain.

"Now, listen closely Mello-kun." L begins whispering in Mello's ear. "Until you have decided to accept how you really feel, I suggest you leave Matt-kun alone. You know as well as I do that he loves you, Mello-kun. So unless you can be truthful about what you feel for him, you're no good for him. He deserves better than you."

* * *

**A/N~ Hey again, I had a bit of a creative flow this weekend again so I updated again. Lucky folks ;) Kidding :p But anyway, do't forget to leave a review letting me know what you think. :D **


	7. Chapter 7

On Wednesday afternoon, Matt was sat on L's bed rubbing at his already red raw eyes. Not only from the amount he'd cried over the last 96 hours, but after four days straight of wearing a pair of goggles, Matt was left with big red marks around his eyes.

The boy was sat there, as he had been since the moment he got back from classes on Monday. He pulled out his third packet of cigarettes in the last four days and putting yet another one to his lip, he lit up the fag and attempted once more to smoke his sorrows away.

Matt had been so confused by Mello's behaviour on Saturday that it was all he could think about. **What the hell did all of that mean anyway?** He asked himself. **And he kissed me. Mello. Mello kissed me on the mouth but then proceeded to smack me with a frying pan.** Matt had intended to speak to the blonde the next day but Mello was doing everything he could to avoid Matt and when Matt finally managed to speak to him in their Maths class, Mello didn't answer him. He didn't even acknowledge that he was there. **Safe to say, I am bloody confused.**

And so, he spent the 3 days after that sat on L's bed, attempting to play video games but failing miserably for he could barely concentrate on anything. Even a task like collecting golden hoops on Sonic the Hedgehog was something Matt was finding difficult to concentrate on without Mello popping in to his head.

**How on earth does Mello actually feel about me? Is he just messing with my head?**

**But that kiss. That kiss didn't feel like he was just messing with me. I can't speak for him but it felt amazing. The feeling of him being so close to me, the way his hip crashed in to mine, they way his hand was clasping at my face almost desperately, the feeling of his soft, warm lips colliding with mine. It was wonderful. **

**But then he did what he always does and and went mad at me: hitting me, shouting, stomping his feet. It's never hurt this much. **

**I guess in that short moment that his lips met mine, I had convinced myself that he really does like me. **

**I guess I was wrong. But he nearly said he lo- no, no I'm sure he was going to say something different**.

For days the boy tortured himself with the same thoughts, bringing himself down and making his way through cigarette after cigarette. He finally took off his goggles, but simply because he could no longer see due the tears stains that had leaked on to the lense of his goggles from the number of times the the broken boy had fallen asleep crying.

So there he was again, self torturing and smoking yet another fag when L walked in with a tray of food. He didn't have a lot on the tray, since he knew that Matt didn't eat very much when he felt fine, anyway.

"Hello Matt-kun" L said, setting the tray down in front of the boy on the bed taking the cigarette out of the boys mouth and putting it out the tray. "I brought you up some food, since it has been a little while since you've eaten." Matt stared at L suddenly freaking out when he realised he wasn't wearing his goggles. He went to slide them back over his head when he felt the bed dip next to him and a strong clasp around his wrist.

Matt looked around to see the usually emotionally blank face of L staring back at him, cheeks blushing a rosy pink. When Matt turned to face L he was staring intently at Matt for a moment before he leant forward and grabbing hold of both sides of the young boys face, he kissed him hard on the lips. Pressing down firmly on Matt's lips and digging his fingers in to the back of his head, L kissed Matt for a good few seconds before pulling back from the red haired boy and looked away, appearing a little embarrased.

"L..." Matt was lost for words. Out of all of the things he had expected L to do when he entered the room, this was certainly not one that Matt had considered.

"No, Matt-kun. Please..." He pauses to think and then leans in and kisses him again, this time much softer than before, holding the pressure against Matt's lips as if he never wanted to let go from fear of never being able to do it again. "D-don't." Leaning in again, this time Matt kissed back, not quite sure what he was doing, he just followed the lead. L responded to this by softly grazing the nape of Matt's neck with his fingertips. Resting his palm there he slowly ran his fingers up the back of his head, running each pale digit through the auburn locks on the young boys head, using his thumb to stroke the side of Matt's neck sending a shiver up the boys spine. He then clenched his fist, still being ever so tender, and tugged on the boys hair intertwined in his fingers. Simultaneously, he ran his hand deliactely along Matt's thingh and leaning further in to the kiss, he gently nibbled on Matt's bottom lip causing the young red head to let out a gasp.

At this, L smiled. And not in the usual L way that painted an expression on his face to give a certain impression to whoever was watching. No, this smile was completely genuine. One that was not forced but caused by his genuine feelings for the boy right in front of him.

L took this sound as permission to slip his tongue in to the others mouth. The kiss became much more lustful than before but L still had a gentle touch that Matt figured must have come naturally to the kind-hearted man. He was so soft in his touch, not like Mello who had slammed him against the wall with a punch before kissing him.

But still, something didn't feel the same as it did with Mello. It was different. **Was it good different?**

Thinking about Mello, Matt suddenly pulled away from the kiss and stood up at the edge of the bed. "L, look... I-"

"It's okay. I know you don't love me like you love Mello-kun." L stated like his matter-of-fact self.

"I-I'm sorry L."

"No. Don't apologise, it can't be helped who you fall for."

The room fell silent.

Matt couldn't think of anything else to say that he felt would make it okay.

"If Matt-kun wanted, he- he could..." Matt looked up questioningly from where he was stood. "L could..." Matt was confused. For the first time he could ever recall, L looked like he was getting worked up. But then again, he had just experienced L in a way most others at Wammy's hadn't. "L is not stupid." He continued. "He can see that although you do not love him like you love Mello-kun, there was something you wanted a moment ago. Am I not correct?"

With that comment, a bright crimson rushed to Matt's cheeks as he tried to deny the allegations L had made. "No, I- I don't know what you mean."

L chuckled to himself and let out a deep sigh. After a moment the raven haired man regained his composure and running his fingers through his hair, he walked over to Matt who was now sat back down on the bed with his head in his hands. He bent down and taking in the smell of his strawberry red hair, he took hold of the boys chin between a finger and his thumb, he tilted Matt's head up and he planted a kiss of his forehead. "You never know for certain unless you try." He whispered to his friend. "That's true, even for me."

**A/N~ Hello. So here's another update, I hope you enjoyed it. :) I feel so bad for L as the one writing this, what do you guys think after reading it?**

**Drop me a review and let me know what you think? Maybe let me know what you think of Matt and L as a pairing? What are your thoughts on Mello's behaviour? Anyway, farewell until next time you beautiful readers. **

**(Also, please check out my Amane's Adventures in Wonderland. I should be updating that this weekend)**

**and again, thank you for the wonderful feedback. You're fab 3 **


	8. Chapter 8

'**You never know unless you try' **That was a thought that kept circling around Matt's head all night, so much so that he couldn't sleep. **Was L suggesting that I try telling Mello how I feel? What good would that do? He's so bipolar, even if he does like me… it's hardly likely that he will admit it.**

**No, Matt, he's right. You have to tell Mello how you feel or I'll be living like this for the rest of my life.**

**Yeah, I could just live like this for the rest of my life. That's cool.**

**Okay, Matt just go and tell him… you're being an idiot.**

**No, forget it… you'll look like even more of an idiot when Mello decides to pun-**

"Matt-kun, will you quit rolling around in bed and go and talk to Mello."

**What? **"Uh, I… L, I was just about-"

"Matt-kun." L raises his eyebrows at the red head climbing out of bed. He chuckles, raising his hand to cover his mouth.

"What?" Matt asks anxiously.

"You might want to sort out your hair before you go." With that Matt lifts his hand to feel his hair. **Oh, great… bed hair, of course.**

So Matt went to bathroom to brush his hair and thought he'd better brush his teeth too… **that wouldn't go down well if I didn't. **When he was done, he set off down the hall back to room 12M. It had been a while since he had been looking forward to going in here. He felt happy. **Nervous but happy.**

Still having no idea how this conversation was going to go or even how he would start it, Matt turned the door handle and walked in to his and Mello's room. He looked around only to find it to be empty. **I hadn't thought that it might be empty… **

Not really sure what to do with himself he walked in to the room anyway and noticed a book on Mello's bed.** Hm, wonder what he's been reading now? **He thought only to find out that it wasn't something that Mello had been reading, but something the boy had been writing.

_Dear Diary, _

_Where to begin today? Once again I have gone and done something completely irrational without thinking and ruined everything._

_Please tell me why I ruin everything? Was I born to be one big messed up sinner? Thanks Lord, thanks a bunch._

**I shouldn't be reading this…**

_It's not even my fault. It's Matt's. _

**Oh… **

_It's always Matt's fault. Every time he's around I end up doing something stupid. It's his fault that I freak out and beat him up. Eugh, that idiotic, good for nothing red head asks for it. _

_I wouldn't be surprised if that fag got a kick out of me beating him up. Swear he's got some weird crush on me or something._

**I really shouldn't be reading this. **Tears filled up the young boys eyes as he threw the book back down on the bed and ran out of the room. The words that he'd read in Mello's diary was not something he had expected to find. He was incredibly hurt.

If only he had kept on reading…

_Alright, it's not really his fault that I hit him. I mean… it is his fault in a way. I wouldn't freak out if he wasn't so wonderful. _

_What am I saying?_

_Yeah, okay I don't know what to do with myself when he's around. I get nervous and I freak and I always take my anger out on him. I know I shouldn't but I feel like I have to hit him, you know? Like if I do then maybe all of this stupid confusion would go away?_

_I'm not going to give in. When I came out to my Mother, I told her that I would never act on my feelings. I wouldn't go as far as to sin. I like to wear my rosary around my neck sort of like a reminder, something to keep me grounded._

_But then I lost it the yesterday. You know, when Matt told me about him and L. Eugh of all people that L could go for… why my Matt? Well, he's not mine… but I wish he was. _

_Okay, this is a diary entry. A dip into the depths of my heart, soul and mind. Or something. So I guess it would do me good to be honest with you?_

_I love him._

_He's wonderful. He's the kindest, most caring person I have ever met in my life. When we were growing up he was the only one at Wammy's that tried to befriend me and even though I tried to push him away, he never gave up. He would always get me out of trouble or take the wrap for anything I did wrong. He even used to sneak chocolate from the kitchen just for me. He always used to try his hardest to make me smile. Heck, even know he puts up with all of my mood swings. He even puts up with my horribly selfish behaviour. He always has. Even as children I had a temper and he was the only one that could calm me down. He doesn't really do that anymore… maybe he doesn't see the point in bothering with me anymore?_

_What on earth should I do? I've never felt like this about anyone. I've tried to have a relationship with girls, I really have. But no matter how hard I try, none of them ever compare. I couldn't even tell you exactly what this feeling is. When I think about him, it makes me feel so happy… I don't know. But then I remember that it's wrong. It is… Mother says so. It's in the bible. Oh no, I can't believe I spat that in his face. I actually quoted the bible and told him that he's sick and that he's a bad person. _

_Then I did an incredibly stupid thing: I kissed him. It was amazing. His lips are so soft and warm. He was warm, with soft skin. Soft hair. Soft heartbeat. It was fast, but everything about him seemed so gentle and kind. I felt like I knew him better than I ever have. Like I finally understood everything I needed to know about him. Okay, so I didn't and what I'm saying sounds really cliché and stupid. But he's so amazingly beautiful. In that moment that I kissed him, I didn't even care about anything else. About being gay, about kissing a man, about my Mother or my Father or even about God. All I could think of was the undeniable happy feeling that was swirling around in my stomach. I can't explain it but I've never felt like that when I've kissed anyone before. But then I've never kissed anyone I really loved._

_But I kissed __him__. I slammed __him__ in to the wall and kissed him straight on the mouth. I ripped my rosary off my neck and I kissed a man. No, I kissed Matt. Heck, what does it matter, Mother is going to hate me all the same. I have done a terrible thing. She's going to be so angry. _

_There's no hiding these things from her. She constantly asks me to makes sure I haven't done anything sinful with a man. She knows that I could never lie to her. Next time she calls, what on earth shall I do? Mother is the only one who knows that I'm… dare I write it… gay. Father doesn't know a thing but she says that if I ever acted upon my feelings that she would have to inform him right away._

_That will not go well._

_They are going to freak out. The truth is... I'm okay with being gay. It's something I have just accepted about myself. Even when I cam out to my Mother, the whole thing was fine for me. That was until she lost it. She went crazy, spouting out that I must have been brought here by the devil and how unfair it is that she had to be given such a curse for a son. She even kicked me out for a week. She made me stay at My Grandmother's house. When I arrived home she locked me in my room for a week and three days and told me to reread the bible and pay close attention to Leviticus. Then I had to write an essay on how homosexuality is wrong and that it was okay because she was going to take me to church so that I could repent for my sins. She said 'It'll be okay dear. You can says sorry and we will make sure you are healed.' Healed? Like being gay is a disease or something?  
So I ran away from home. No, I ran away from my Mother's. I was already coming here to be schooled and so I figured why not stay here in the orphanage? and that's where I met Matt. No, Matt doesn't know my secret... but he has always made sure that I know that he accepts me no matter what.  
_

_Anyway, I have some things to take care of. I'm just wondering, should I just tell Matt how I feel? I've already kissed him… so there's no going back with mother?_

_I just thought, that's a stupid idea. I know he's gay but he might not even like me… I could be putting everything on the line for someone that hates me._

_Maybe I could just tell him… besides my family, my religion and most importantly my pride… what have I got to lose?_

* * *

"Matt-kun, sh, it's okay." L says as he tries to comfort the young auburn haired boy, stroking his head and holding him tightly. "I'm sure everything will be fine."

"You know better than I do L that you have no reason to say that" the hurt boy snaps.

"I know" He says, still holding the boy close to him in an attempt to make him feel better.

"I just… I really thought after yesterday that he might like me." He says crying in to the older boys chest. "I guess… I guess it's time I-I gave up on Mello."

* * *

**A/N~ Hello everyone, I hope you enjoyed this update. I know not a lot happened, but I really wanted a chapter where we could get a better picture of what's going on inside Mello's head.**

**Please leave a review, it makes me feel all happy when you do! :3**

Should Mello tell Matt how he feels? Or do you think he needs to keep his parents happy?

And what about poor ol' Matt, 'ey? :/  


**Anyway, thank you for reading you lovely people 3  
**


	9. Chapter 9

"Please Matt-kun, you musn't let Mello-kun hurt you like this." Says L as he lifts the young boys head, he holds his face in his hands and with the tip of his thumbs he wipes the tears from Matt's cheeks.

Sniffling and trying his best not to cry, Matt says "You're so kind, L."

"Not always" He smiles "It's only because I care."

Then all of a sudden, the auburn haired boy slips his fingers through L's dark hair and pulling him close he plants a kiss on the startled boys lips.

"M-Matt-kun wh-wha-" L begins but before he gets a chance to finish, Matt is already crashing his lips in to his, using the fact that L was talking as a chance to slip his tongue in to his mouth.

L is hesitant to kiss back because he knows Matt's feelings for Mello, but as the red head climbs on to his lap, legs either side of L's and wraps his arms around his neck, the raven haired man is finding it hard to fight his feelings.

Matt was probably the only person that had the ability to make L throw all thoughts of logic out of the window.

He attempted one last time to make Matt stop. "Matt... -kun... I..." He began between kisses. "We... We... shouldn't... be do... ing this."

At that, Matt pulls away from L's mouth. But as he looks up, there's a glint of mischief running through his eyes. Not that it was clear since the red head was still wearing his goggles. He clasped at the bottom of L's top and pulled it up over his head and off, looking at the man's thin, pale frame, he couldn't help but think of Mello. **Shit. No, Matt. Not now.**"Are you suggesting that we stop?" He asks, whispering in to L's ear and breathing heavily as he runs a single finger up L's stomach, stopping at his nipple and ligering there for a moment before adding "because I think we both know that you don't really want that." Breathing against L's neck, he raises his hand to the other side of L's head and wrapping his hair around his fingers, he tilts his head away from him as he runs his tongue up the flustered man's neck. He pushes the member between his legs against L's as he brings his mouth to his neck, the contact causing L to let out a gasp. This makes Matt smile as he kisses L's neck. Tugging at the skin with his teeth. He kisses, nibbles and sucks the same spot, determined to leave his mark.

"Matt-kun, I would like you to remember that I did warn you." L says as he pushes Matt off of him, soon bringing his lips to his. Kissing him softly the older man pulls Matt's top off of him. "Now, close your eyes Matt-kun. It'll do you good to do as you're told." He states matter-of-factly and Matt obliges knowing better than to argue with L. He feels a tightening around his wrists, opening his eyes to find that L has used his shirt to tie his hands behind his back.

**That's the sort of thing I'd expect Mello to do, just a little less gentle.. Matt, sh. **

He felt a finger run along his collar bone, back and forwards, sending a shiver down his spine. When all of a sudden he felt teeth sink in to the skin on his neck. "Ah!" He gasped. He had never expected L to be so rough. As much as he liked that, it only made him think more of Mello. **Matt, what the hell are you doing? You're sat in a comprimising position with the world's greatest detective, not only the world's greatest but probably the world's kindest too, and all you can think about is some dumb ass blonde. Dumb blonde with a nice ass. A nice ass dumb blonde with a not always so nice personality. **

Lost in his thoughts, Matt hadn't even realised what L was doing. Coming out of his head, he noticed L down at his stomach planting little kisses down his torso. Although his mind wasn't really responding, his body certainly was. But just then, L sat up and pressing his hand under the elastic of Matt's goggles, the boy pulled them up and off over Matt's head. Matt all of a sudden felt very exposed. "L" He began, but noticed a strange look on his face. He was just staring at him. Matt had the most beautiful blue green eyes that glistened in the light, heck even in the dark. His eyes are outstandingly beautiful, so much so that the older man had began to lose himself in them. That is until he noticed. He noticed that once he'd removed Matt's goggles that he didn't really want this. As much as he liked L and wanted the ever so sweet man to be happy, he didn't want this. He was thinking of Mello.

"L, my goggles.. I"

"I'm sorry, Matt-kun... I, um... I wasn't.. thinking." L stammered as he stared in to those beautiful eyes. Mello-kun doesn't deserve him, he thought. But he knew that Matt didn't really want anyone else.

So the raven haired man pulled away from the ginger boy and left him on his bed, wrists tied and shirt still on the floor. He went to get a bunch of sugary treats and returned to find Matt looking a little annoyed and very confused.

"Matt-kun, I don't think us going any further is a good idea."

"Then untie me you complete-"

"It doesn't; however, mean that I don't like the look of this. Hm, yes." He smiled as he popped a sugar cube in to his mouth.

Matt pouted, causing L to laugh. Something he only ever did around Matt. "L" Matt sang. "Can I at least have some sweets or something?" He asked, fluttering his eyelashes like a child.

L leaned over to the tied up boy hanging chocolate over his mouth, teasing him by pulling it back every time he tried to bite it. "L! L, give it to me!" He yelled, giggling.

Just then, the door swang open to reveal an angry looking Mello staring at the two on the bed.

**A/N~ DUMDUMDUMM. Sooo, let me know what you think, yus? :3 Leave a review, you know hoe good it makes us feel to know what you think :) **

**And I just want to say a big thank you to everyone's that has reviewed, followed or favourited my story and especially to chibichocolate1313 (LOVE YOU GURL, ahem), CatatonicVanity and MikoUchiha For your lovely reviews after a number of my chapters. You're fantabulous :3 :D **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N~ Okay, so I'll ****start this off by apologising to you guys! I am so sorry it took me so long to update... I don't know why but I just couldn't write and I've had so much work to do at the moment I haven't really had the time to just sit and write... but here it is! Chapter 10.. I hope this makes up for the wait :)  
**

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"Oh, Mello… Uh, this isn-"

"M-Matt," The blonde began through his teeth, fists clenched at his side and shaking in the doorway. "No. I-I swear you…" He stammered, having trouble getting his words out. "You and… L, you- you were serious?" A small uneasy laugh hovered over his lips.

"No, Mells. I swear this isn't what it looks like.. We were just-"

"Just uh.. No. Don't 'Mells' me. Do what you want, just don't involve me. You're seriously sick." He spits before spinning on his heels and storming back down the hall to his bedroom.

"How much of an idiot can that guy be?" Matt moaned as he threw himself back on the bed.

"Matt-kun, if it wasn't obvious from that, then perhaps you don't deserve the title of third at Wammy's."

"Excuse me?!"

"Matt-kun," L says, untying the top from Matt's hands. "Go after him."

"For what? You know what he's like."

"Yes, I do and that's exactly why you ought to. Don't make me have to tell you again, Mail."

"Okay…" Feeling confused he gets up to go and talk to Mello. **Well, he****'****s already messed with me enough, so what have I got to lose anymore? **He asked himself, running his fingers through his hair nervously as he wraps his fingers around the cold metal of the door handle, he opened the door to his old bedroom. It didn't quite feel like his room anymore since he hadn't stayed there for so long. He looked in to the room to find Mello curled up on his bed. " Is there a particular reason you're on my bed, Mello?"

"Is there a particular reason why you're in my room, Matt?" He questioned, seeming a little irritated. _Silence. _"Sch. It's not like you're using it anymore." He scoffed.

There was a long silence before Matt finally spoke again and he wasn't entirely sure if Mello was still awake or not. He had spent the last half an hour stood there leaning against the door and tapping his fingers against the lens of his goggles. "Mells…" He spoke up. **Hm, he must be asleep then. **But the red head, who was by now quite fed up of waiting in silence, walked over to the blonde and nudged him in the side. "Mello!"

"You know Matt, if I had wanted your attention, I would have talked to you myself."

**Oh, so he was already awake****…**

"What?" he said with the disinterested tone he had previously held.

"For God's sake, Mello! You and your temperamental nature is starting to really piss me off."

"Oh." The blonde mumbled, face pressed against the pillow on Matt's bed, not even trying to seem interested regardless of the fact that he was incredibly so.

Ignoring the blondes attempt at avoiding conversation, Matt continues to talk "Uh, Mello…"

"What, Matt?" Mello was starting to lose his patience with the pretty red head dancing on the spot behind him.

"I- I uh… I came to talk to you." **Wow, real smooth, Matt.**

"Did you want my permission before you did or something?" Mello spat.

"WHAT, what exactly have I done to make you treat me like this, Mello?" Matt yelled, he just came to talk to Mello like L had suggested but the blondes disinterest in him after the way he had acted was really starting to irritate him.

"Well, Matt you-"

"No, how about you shut up and listen to me for once. There's nothing that you can say that will actually make me feel better about how you treat me."

_Silence._

"You're an idiot Mello. I know you get mood swings all the time and you've always been like that… and normally I can deal with that."

"Psch" Mello grumbled turning more away from Matt. This action really caused Matt to get angry because he did something he never thought he would. He darted across the room towards the man on his bed and grabbing him by the hair, he pulled his head back forcibly to look at him.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, you prick!"

Mello laughed as he stood from the bed.

"What's so funny?! God, one minute you're fine with me playing happy families at the dinner table" grabbing Mello's arm furthest away from him he pulled him closer "Next, you're throwing your fists at my face telling me how worthless I am," Matt slammed Mello against the wall, clenching his fists against the wall either side of the blonde and hushing his tone he adds "Then you're in the kitchen, closer than this to me" he says, pressing his hip into Mello's "feel familiar?" He questioned, mockingly. Then he added through his teeth "Or do I just make you feel sick?"

"Shut up, Matt."

"Why? What's the matter?" He smirks causing Mello to look away from him. "Something tells me dear, that you don't have a problem with this. Do you, Mihael?"

"Shut the hell up Matt, you don't know what you're talking about." He snaps raising his fist to punch Matt in the jaw, but being stopped by the angry red head. "Let go. Now."

Matt laughs. "What's the matter, can't you hit me?"

"Matt… I'm warning you"

"Warning me?" He chuckled. "and what exactly are you going to do, Keehl?"

Mello raised his other hand this time, again attempting to hit him in the jaw but again being caught by Matt's hand. He was now stood there with Matt pinning his arms to the wall by his wrists and he couldn't move. This wasn't something Mello was used to. He'd always been stronger than Matt… hadn't he?

"Oh Mello, Mello, Mello. Please stop, you're making me laugh." Mello gritted his jaw. "Oh, fine.. Come on then, Mello. Hit me." He said, letting go of the blondes arms. "Please, show me how much you hate me…" With a more saddened feeling, Matt added. "I've never really minded"

"Matt…" Mello began but before he got a chance to say anything else, Matt had landed a punch in the beautiful man's face. "Holy crap! Matt what the hell was-"

"-that for? I don't know Mello… maybe it has something to do with the fact that you've been treating me like dirt for years and I've had just about enough of it. You know… L doesn't treat me like that!"

"Oh, well if you've got L" he said, still holding his jaw "what the hell are you doing here?"

_Silence._

"If L means that much to you… why don't you just run along back to him."

_Silence._

"There's not exactly much point in wasting your time on me, Matt."

_Silence._

"Mello…" Matt couldn't help but wonder what had happened today. **I just came here to talk to him… I really thought we could sort things out… but now I'm letting him piss me off more and more. Why does he make me so weak?**

"Mello, listen to me" He said, walking back over to Mello who was still leaning against the wall holding his face with his hand. "You really, really need to sort your shit out. I am fed up of being nothing more than a toy to you. If you don't care about me, that's fine. But stop playing with my feelings, okay?!"

"Shut up."

"Shut up? SHUT UP?! Mello, I have 'shut up' for the last 6 years and I've had just about enough of it!"

"Shut up, Mail!" He raised his voice for the first time in a while and slammed his palm in to Matt's chest. Matt was just getting ready to punch the man in front of him again when he fell against him, resting his whole body against his and Matt could feel something wet rolling down his chest. **Was Mello… crying? **

"Just shush.. Please, Matt… please." He managed to get out through tears.

Matt wrapped his arms awkwardly, not knowing if he would want him to comfort him or not, around the crying blonde in front of him and ran his fingers through his hair. "I-I'm sorry Mells." He said.

**It never occurred to me that Mello might have problems too. He just always holds himself together so well that you wouldn't even begin to think it… maybe he holds himself together, too well. **

Nestling his head in to Matt's chest, Mello mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that, Mello?"

"N-nothing… I… I'm just really sorry, Matt."

**Was it possible that things might be okay from now on?**

But why exactly had Mello practically broke down in my arms? This is so unlike him...

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**A/n~ makes sure you f&f if you like it.. and uh, why not leave me a review? c: **

**Thank you all for all the reviews and all that jazz :D  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N~ Let me start off by apologising and begging for forgiveness. I'm sorry it took so long for me to update, I don't know why but every time I tried to write this chapter I couldn't do it. Anyway. Chocolate nicotine is good to go once more and thank you to anyone who is still reading this. c:**

That night Matt and Mello sat up trying to talk through everything that's happened between them.

"Matt, I am so sorry..." Mello offered when he finally calmed down and stopped crying.

"It's fine, Mells."

"It's not Matt, you don't deserve to be treated the way I treat you."

"Mello, I don't mind..." Matt reached his arm out to take Mello's hand, exposing the mess of his forearm to the blonde in front of him.

To say Mello was shocked was an understatement. Had he really neglected Matt so much that he hadn't even noticed he'd been doing this to himself? Not only was Mello very good at reading people, heck he was second at Wammy's, but Matt had been his best friend since the moment he got there. The fact he hadn't noticed made him feel terrible and the oh so real damage he'd caused was evident right in front of him. Mello's thoughts were interupted by an anxious Matt who had noticed Mello staring.

"Mel..." He said nervously, trying to get the other boys attention. "Mel, what is it?"

Still staring at the arm of the boy he was supposed to care about, he couldn't get the words out. He wasn't sure if it was because he was scared of what Matt might say or if he didn't feel worthy of even asking, since he could tell from some of the marks that this wasn't just a recent 'one off' event for the redhead. Instead he just followed his instinct and brought his arm up to meet his lips. He kissed Matt's palm, too worried about touching the scars on his arm just yet in case Matt didn't want him to. Since he gave no negative response to Mello's first gesture, he kissed Matt on the wrist being careful not to hurt him (any more than he already had). Matt shut his eyes tight, taking in the moment... It wasn't often that Mello showed affection for anyone so he wanted to cherish this moment more than anything.

"Matt..." he finally began. "This is all my fault, isn't it?" he asked, not taking his gaze from the marks that rested on Matt's arm. He sat there, stroking the older scars with his thumb refusing to look at the boy he'd hurt so much.

"Not all of them.." Matt tried, he didn't want Mello to feel bad or to pity him. He just wanted all of this in the past.

But it was in this moment right here that Mello really realised the full extent of what he had done to Matt. All the torment that Mello had been going through trying to fight this himself was nothing compared to the way he was taking it out on Matt. After all, it wasn't entirely the pretty little redheads fault that he couldn't look at him without his heart skipping a beat. It wasn't Matt's fault that his Mom would be dissapointed in him or that his dad would lay a hand on him. After all, as much as Mello hated his father for the way he treated him, he hadn't been acting much better himself towards the only person who had ever accepted him for who he is.

"Matt, stop it. I don't deserve for you to treat me so nicely... Just tell me how you really feel."

"Mello, please... It's fine-"

"No, it's not! Gosh, why am I the one getting mad at you? Yell at me Matt. Do something. Hit me again if you want. Please, Matt." Mello begged. He wasn't caring if he sounded ridiculous, he just wanted Matt to feel better even if that was at his expense.

"Mello. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Can we just leave it behind us?" The last thing Matt wanted was to start talking about feelings again, he never thought straight when it came to feelings and Mello.

"Matt, I really feel awful... It doesn't matter what you say... I won't judge you. I deserve it all."

"Actually, Mello, you don't deserve it at all."

"Yes I do, Matt how can-"

"If you want me to talk about stuff, how about listening?" Mello was right, if they wanted to move on from this then they had to talk about everything and clear the air. **I have to tell him how I feel. **

Mello nodded. Boy is he cute when he's quiet. After a few moments Matt had completely forgotten whay he was going to say and he realised he was staring at Mello. But to his surprise, Mello hadn't said a word. He just sat there waiting for Matt to say something, a slight blush creeping it's way on to his cheeks as he caught Matt's gaze.

"Mello, even after everything, I still think you're beautiful." He said this looking away from the blonde in front of him. Matt knew he shouldn't be saying this. He was meant to be mad at him, but still he just couldn't help but want him. He knew Mello didn't feel the same but he needed to clear the air.

"Matt..." The blonde was a little surprised, but a part of him always knew there was something there. Matt had always been open about his sexuality and nobody took that much shit from someone they didn't care about. "Matt, I don't deserve this..."

"I know. I know more than anyone that you don't." He said gently, tucking the blonde locks hanging in Mello's face behind his ear. "But, I can't just make this feeling go away."

"You're the biggest idiot I've ever met, you know that?" Mello said, half-jokingly trying to lighten the mood.

"and you're the most hormonal, egotistic prick I've ever met." He laughed. "Mello... I have to ask."

He looked up at the younger boy. "Why do you do it? Why... Why do you treat me like this? Do.. Do you really hate me that much?"

"Matt, you idiot. I told you. I don't hate you. I don't fucking hate you at all. Fuck. Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Ah, yes." Matt nodded sarcastically not really understanding his friends outburst.

"You're not getting it, are you?" Mello questioned, he really hoped Matt would understand. He didn't want to have to say any more than was necessary.

Matt just sat there looking at Mello with that same, adorably confused look on his face like the first time he tried to read on of Mello's books written in German.

Mello leaned over on the bed where they were sat fearing nothing anymore. He had already hurt Matt enough, now was not the time to worry about anything else. He leaned in until he was face to face with Matt. The red haired boy felt a shiver run down his spine. **Is this really happening?**

His heart racing twice as fast, he knew he had to say it. Something he had been so afraid to do for so long, Mello was about to do and he wasn't sure how Matt might respond. Sure Matt liked him but would he really appreciate this right now? Mello didn't know but he knew he had to do this now or he never would.

"Matt, I love you."

**A/N~ SO, Melly finally told Matt how he feels. What do we think? Is this there happy ending? Did Matt forgive him too soon or will he even decide to accept his feelings?**

**Review please? c: **

**again, I apologise for the length between updates. But I'm feeling good to go again and I have more to write so expect another update pretty soon. **

**Thanks to everyone who reads this story and to the following sweethearts for reviewing: YaoiXxFreak, CatatonicVanity, MikoUchiha, Noah of luck and that random guest. c:**


	12. Chapter 12

"Matt, I love you."

Those three words were something Matt had longed to hear Mello say, but never truly thought he would. So when they left his lips, Matt was completely speechless. His heart started racing, he quickly became aware of it thumping against his chest.

Before Matt had a chance to respond, he felt lips pressed against his. The moment they made contact, that same feeling he experienced that time in the kitchen came rushing back. Mello's lips were soft. For someone so rough and dangerous, he kissed Matt with a gentle passion that sent a tingling down his back.

Mello's heart raced for a few reasons. He felt a burning desire to be with Matt. The way his stomach fluttered when their lips met was ridiculously cliché, but it didn't make it any less real. But he was scared too. He'd pretty much given himself up to Matt. He surrendered. Game over.

Matt, however afraid he was that Mello might hurt him again, couldn't remember such a feeling. Kissing Mello was something he never thought would happen again. The boy tasted sweet, like chocolate believe it or not, and Matt wanted nothing more than to devour him. **He just admitted that he has feelings for me. He initiated the kiss. You've got nothing to lose.**

Cautiously, Matt removed his arm from Mello's grip and brought it up to his head. He laced his fingers in Mello's golden locks, pouring himself further in to the kiss. As much as Mello tried to resist, he let out a little moan as Matt tugged on his hair. He wanted Mello right then and that was enough of an invitation for him. He brought his other hand to the zipper on Mello's vest and began trailing his hand down, undoing the vest with it.

Mello's heart was now beating faster. He wanted this, he really did but it didn't feel right. No, after everything he'd done to Matt, this was something he needed to make perfect.

He took Matt's hand that had made it's way down his torso in his own, locking their fingers together. He didn't want Matt to feel like he was outright rejecting the idea, in fact he wasn't. He had already thought of something to do.

He kissed Matt harder before pulling away. "Matt" He began.

Mello's kiss left him feeling like a giddy love-struck teenager, which technically he was. The only response Matt could come out with was a small noise, something along the lines of "uhh?"

Mello chuckled before regaining himself and giving Matt his sexy, mischevious grin. "Matt. I'm going to make it up to you. Tonight. Here. 9 o' clock. Let's call it... my apology?"

**A/N~ Second update in one day? :o We'll call it a make up gift for my inability to update for nearly 2 months. Alright I know it's a small one, but it was necessary I put this one here now before putting in the next one. **

**Can I get a review? Let me know what you think? c:**


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